I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
