He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
