so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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