Me. At least after what I've been through.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
