i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
