The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
