Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
