I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
