I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
