Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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