i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Randomize
