Pants 0. Shit 1.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
