i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
