By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
