So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
