Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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