I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
