if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
