at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
