Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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