how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
