I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Randomize
