my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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