Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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