Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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