Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
