I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
