you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
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And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Semen is not good for contacts.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
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Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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