i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
