1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
