she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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