She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
