Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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