True but thats because hes a fetus.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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