I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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