One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
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drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
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He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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