dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
