Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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