OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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