In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
