Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
