last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Randomize
