i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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