Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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