Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
