i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
