Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
