My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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