On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
