I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
