hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
