I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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