Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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