fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
