if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Vodka?
Forever.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
