Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
