Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
