I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
