i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
