It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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